The "MS War" and The "Real World"

This is a long one!!!!

Last night as I laid in bed thinking through this last week. I realized that my last 4 months dealing with the MS exacerbation, I think, has finally come to an end.

About 3 weeks ago I was still continuing to battle new symptoms. I really was getting to the point of giving in and calling the Dr. and telling him to give me the steroid treatment. I know that if I would have called 3 or 4 months ago this would have ended a long time ago. At least it most likely would have ended. Some people get the steroid tx and and don't have side effects. I have terrible side effect along with an additional 35# weight gain. I chose not to get the steroids because for the first few months it wasn't affecting my vision and I wasn't nauseated and the vertigo wasn't here.

Here is what all was affected and mostly in the chronological order:
- Intestinal shut down (that lasted the whole 4 months)
- Bladder incontinence
- Some memory issues
- Severe rolling muscle spasms (worse than my normal horrible symptoms)
- Fatigue (way more then normal)
- burning and pickling sensations (throughout my body not just my neck and arms)
- Tendon pain in arms and legs
- Both legs having the tight band feeling and a lot of pain (normally just 1 leg)
Depression ( I believe just from exhaustion from the MS Battle)
- Vision - (not blurred or double but seeing color then black and white then color and so on.
- Bowel incontinence ( it's either feast or famin)
- hearing issues- hearing noises or not able to hear well at all (still have them but not as bad)
-Eye Twitching in left eye for almost a month and still continuing

Ok I think that is about it.

At one point yesterday when I was leaving early to go home and take a nap before our friends were going to come over. My husband's Dad made a comment about how they never see me and hadn't seen me in four months. Referring that I am avoiding them. I of course became defensive and said "I have been fighting this frick'n MS attack. All I do is work and sleep and try to take care of the kids." He didn't seem to get it. That probably has to do with the fact that my husband, when asked hows Tara doing? Responds with "she's doing good". So nobody really understands or gets it.

Yesterday was the first time I had spent time with my husband's family and also friends. It felt great!!! (Yes I am exhausted) But it made me think........

Living with MS is a battle in itself but when going through an exacerbation, It is a "Serious War". It's a serious war and there are all these enemies and you are the only person able to fight this war. The problem with this is that it is a secret war not published on TV or in the news. It is a war in your body. It is exhausting!! You are attacking and fighting at the same time you are healing your wounds and sleeping when you can. YOU ARE ALONE AGAINST ALL THE ENEMIES!!!
And then one day without any notice the enemies surrender and the war is over.... At least until the next war begins.

These "WARS" consume you during the time it is going on. Most times you really aren't even noticing what is going on in the "real world" or in "reality" because in your world you are in WAR!!! You don't have the ability to take in the "reality". But at the same time you are in "WAR" you are also having to deal with the "Real World" bills, stress, work, kids, etc...Along with that you have to defend yourself against comments being made, mean people, and so on. All because nobody can see what is going on with this INVISIBLE DISEASE.

Once the War comes to an end. You are able to focus on the "real world" and "reality" again and enjoy it. So yesterday I found myself enjoying and relaxing and most of all happy to be out in the real world seeing people I haven't seen in a long time. When I was exhausted and it was time for me to leave I then heard the words from my father-n-law and inside I found myself getting defensive and sort of feeling guilty. Guilty??? Can you believe it???? You just come home from "WAR" and you are finding yourself feeling guilty and trying to defend yourself.

I went to Walmart on Saturday night and passed the card section... I saw Father's day cards out and thought to myself... Why Father's Day card??? What happened to Mother's Day??? I seriously don't remember it. And now I feel the guilt of not celebrating Mother's Day with my kids but most of all not even celebrating with my Mom. I am desperately trying to figure out how to make that up to her. Again the "GUILT"

Anyways, that is what I spent time thinking about last night as I was trying to fall asleep. And decided to write about today. I don't know if this will even make sense to anyone but I had to empty out my brain.